not vacation yet!!!

middle of the week tomorrow.. as usual, i’m stuck in the office, doing paper works while most of officemates have gone home and some are now enjoying a good night sleep.. i don’t want to go home just yet so i chose to stay here.. why didn’t i want to go home? at home, i’m just sitting around doing nothing ergo my mind wanders off somewhere and i’ll just be thinking about him.. so i decided its better for me to stay here in the office this late doing paper works so i’ll get my mind off him… but apparently, i can’t seem to figure out a way to take him off my mind, working or not working…

oh well, ano pa bang magagawa ko, 3 weeks na syang tumatakbo sa isip ko sana one time mapagod naman sya at tumigil ng bongga! :))

its not yet the end of the week but it feels like it… today’s the last day here at the office (except me of course) but i’ll be here till the 23rd. i have to finish some stuff before the year ends so papasok pa ko till thursday. then thursday i’ll be attending the simbang gabi here in our little chapel. so technically ang start ng vacation ko ay 24th… i’m not complaining though… i love work! (plastic..) seriously, i love working… but i’m just saddened by the fact that i won’t be seeing him anymore… ='( hay, di ko man lang nabati ng merry christmas… stupid me really…

now, to recap what happened to me this past few weeks…

.. i was able to roll out a project before the year ends and it really feels good but i have to re-think of my career path next year… i’m on a road that i’m not supposed to take and the path where i should be was long lost and forgotten.. so sana next year i’d be able to find my path again.. would really really love to start studying film or culinary arts next year so i can start building the career that i really want to pursue..

..i’m still clueless whether the feeling is mutual.. i’ll have to admit i really really as in really like him but i don’t think he likes me as much as i like him to like me… ang gulo!!! :)) but seriously, he’s not easy to read… but this past 2 days i’m observing him and found out that… basta, nahuli ko more than 3 times… still the question is, like nya kaya ako? that’s for me to find out..

..sometimes nakakapagod din na magpapansin ng magpapansin kaya time out muna since bakasyon naman.. hehehe.. let’s sit back and relax habang bakasyon.. =P

so there.. looking at it parang sa kanya na naubos ang buong week ko ah.. o_O haha! this is not good.. malapit na ko mabangin! :)) yun lang.. it’ll be a stressful bakasyon for me but i can say i’m up for the challenge! let’s get it on! =)

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SPELL EFFORT…

ok.. let’s all spell the word E-F-F-O-R-T…

i slept at effin’ 3am last night just to wrap his gift and to write a decent note for him then i’ll hear nothing.. not even one effin’ thank you!!! what the mother fucker is he thinking?!?!?! o_O

now i wish i hadn’t done that… i look ridiculously stupid!!! what the hell am i thinking?!?!? really.. i almost faint due to lack of sleep and now all my efforts are unappreciated.. hay nako, this won’t happen again.. AYOKO NA!!! if i could take back all the gifts, i would and for the record the pen i gave him is expensive ha! nako talaga naman!!! arrrggggzzzz!!! kainis!!! sana ako na lang gumamit… if i only knew…

now i’m not just PISSED! i am terribly disappointed and disgusted with him! kung pwede lang pa-salavage, pinasalvage ko na!!! amf!!!

random thoughts this morning…

i woke up today feeling a bit different than other days of waking up and drinking my coffee.. and its somehow surprising that today, for the first time in weeks, i’m thinking clear.. its like waking up for the first time in years of slumber then finally you just knew what to do with your life. i admit that at 24 years old, i’m still not sure what to do with my life.. i’m pretty much at lost when you ask me where i would be in the next couple of years.. well at least now i’m not that lost, i think i found at least 1/8 of the path i’m supposed to take in this lifetime..

well aside from waking up on the right side of the bed, i’m inspired with needtobreathe’s song, ‘something beautiful’..

in your ocean i’m ankle deep.. i feel the waves crashin’ on my feet.. it’s like i know where i need to be… but i can’t figure out.. no i can’t figure out…

well the line literally tell how i felt this morning.. i miss the beach.. i miss traveling.. i felt the urge to take a leave and just go somewhere where there’s water, sand & sun. well of course reason sank in and i couldn’t argue with myself anymore about going to some remote beach and leaving all my work behind. i knew i had to be realistic. if i wanted a peaceful holiday, i have to finish everything.. but here’s the thing, i’m pushing my 2011 trip and no one, i repeat, no one can stop me alright… and this time i’m spending every penny i have for this trip.. batanes, palawan, boracay, bataan, quezon.. i’ll see you this summer! =)

just how much air i will need to breathe.. when your tide rushes over me.. there’s only one way to figure out.. will you let me drown, will you let me drown..

well for weeks now, someone caught my undivided attention. not that he’s super cute or handsome or what have you but i like his simplicity and childishness.. i like our easy conversations. it feels like i knew him for years but to tell you honestly, i just knew him for a few days… but yeah, talking to him was like a breeze.. its like i can tell him anything and everything i want. so needless to say i have to test if that feeling of mine is mutual.. but i didn’t like the outcome.. it turned out he’s just a kid and liking somebody & going out of dates is the least of his priorities.. so i had to stop making ‘papansin’ coz now its clear that this is going nowhere.. well maybe he’ll enjoy playing PSP or going out with his mom more than going out with me. again, major fail but kudos to me coz i was able to tell way before i fell to the trap of liking someone who’s not even interested in me. and bravo for that!  so again, the quest continues until i find that ‘perfect match.’

and the water is rising quick.. and for years i was scared of it.. we can’t be sure when it will subside but i won’t leave your side, no i won’ leave your side..

i had a row with me dad. i guess raising up and looking after aging parents is really really tough. dad told me something that i didn’t like and at that time i was suffering from severe stress due to work and my right hand was aching like hell, it was after my blood work up at the medical city, and the doctors there required 3 big vials of blood to be extracted from me so they could run some tests. end result, i shouted at my dad and we had a one big fight that night. i didn’t want to say i’m sorry but i have to, i knew it was wrong to just shout at him like that so i had to say the sorry word but what’s painful is that i played the ‘you’re not really a dad to me’ card. but i didn’t mean it, its just that everytime we fight, all those resentment, anger, and frustration because dad left when i was still a new born and i didn’t grew up with him will just go out of the closet and the next thing i knew all hell breaks loose. but i promised myself & mom that its just anger, i’m still his kid and he still is my dad even though he’s a total pain in the ass.  i still love them with all my heart and no matter what, i’ll be by their side.. guess i need to mend things before christmas.. =)

in a daydream, i couldn’t live like this.. i wouldn’t stop until i found something beautiful..

i have so many things to be thankful for. work, though my salary is but a junk and work is just a pain in the ass, its still work, at least i get to earn something. well better than not earning at all. family, they maybe two ‘makulit’ aging people but they still are my parents and they loved and will continue to love me unconditionally no matter what. and of course i have friends. i maybe the only child but i’m not really alone. i consider my friends as my siblings. i have good friends whom i can really count on in times of crisis. these friends are always by my side come hell or high water and they’ve never let me down, not one bit. they’re the ‘stick-together’ type. they’ll be with you no matter what. i also have the ‘not-so-good’ friends. these are friends who are just there by your side when life is all fun and will bail out on the times that you need them the most. they are the types who don’t give a shit about how you feel, will do whatever they like, whenever they feel like doing it. they are those people who can’t help but be a bitch and pain in my ass if they want to and only cares for themselves.. some people may consider these friends as a curse. its like a bad karma going after you but for me, i still consider them my friends. they’re hard to understand but at the end of the day you’ll realize all those nasty stuff, its them, its how they are. i want to be a true friend and a good human being so i’m loving every bit of those nastiness and will just be quiet and patient with these ‘not-so-good’ friends of mine.. no matter how nasty they get, i’ll stick around.. i still am a true friend through and through.. so continue to find something beautiful in them.. =)

i could just go on and on and on with writing down my thoughts but i have to work.. there’s tons of work i need to finish so until the next entry.. continue to live, to laugh, and to love.. life’s too short to be wasted with worries.. and just smile no matter how tough life gets.. =)

 

the biggest irony…

that person has all the things i hate the most in this life..

came from my rival school – i hate their guts for putting us in shame last UAAP senior basketball finals..

rich – rich people are senseless ‘matapobre’ who knew nothing about life..

arrogant – magyabang kung meron ipagyayabang, di yung puro salita lang..

and its as if fate is playin’ a game on me.. of all people, why chose me? why did cupid chose me???? o_O well i guess all i’m left to do is evade the arrows as much as i can right… try not to get hurt alright… happened already at wala akong balak mag take two! hinay-hinay baka mabangin mahirap na… hehehe… =P